revelation: revolution

I have to write this before I forget. I have to write this before I lose this passion.

Let me start with an admission: I've been feeling dead for awhile now. Wanting to search, wanting to pray, I haven't been willing to fall on my knees -- crying -- and tell God I need help. Badly. I can't do this on my own. I can't expect to know where we're supposed to live, what step to take next in life, if I don't take the time to tell God how I'm feeling. I'll admit, I yelled at God today. My hands were in fists, head against the carpet, as I demanded that He help me out of this mess. Is he playing tricks on me? Why this dead-end relationship with Adam and Amy? Why this frustration with everyone except my husband? (praise God I have no hard feelings against him) What do you except me to do? Why won't you just tell me?
You haven't asked me, my child. I just want to hear your voice.
But I have prayed, God. What do you call all those mornings beside my bed?
Child, I love you. But... are you sure... you weren't just talking to yourself?

I guess you can say I broke this afternoon. Shattered is more like it. I still don't have all the answers, but I feel alive in Christ again. I know what He wants of me. He wants me to live for Him, and not for any man, not for any organization. Maybe some of you know what I'm talking about. You've cried and complained and fought the system, but you haven't done anything about it. And I haven't either. I mean, what is there to do? Quit. That's what I wanted to do. You don't know how badly I wanted to quit.

But you know what? Christ loves the people in the organization, and He wants me to love them too. He loves them so much he died for them. Earthly things are not worth living for, but Jesus Christ is. If we're going to stay together, we must be united in Christ. He must be our focus. Nothing else, in and of itself, is worth preserving. I want everyone to know that. I want to share the love of Christ with them, whether they're in or out of the system. I love them too much not to.

Will you join me?