11/10/05

sadness: 3 portraits

Cry into the dishwater, baby.
Cry and cry,
and hope somebody hears you.
Cry until you're done
and then cry some more
because the dishes are done
and you're still crying.

Cry into the washing machine, baby.
Cry and let go.
But when the letting go stops,
just don't-
don't
block up the entrance
again.
Don't-

* * *
"Many scholars agree that Indian evangelism, as a whole, was not a story of success, the greatest reason being the intense conflict between the two cultures for supremacy over the land. But perhaps equally important was the deep-seated belief of white America that Indians were racially inferior and that their culture was not worth saving." -Ruth A. Tucker in From Jerusalem to Irian Jaya
* * *
Pages of faces flash before me.
Whose are you if not mine?
Whose are you if not anyone else's?
You are not your parents'
anymore
You are your own;
you are God's-
a small comfort
to you
right now.
Orphan children.

the morning after

Thank you to the one who broke through. Thank you to the one who touched when she could have said, "I'll wait till Friday." A wound oozes when it's hurting, gushes before healing. I gushed.
Silly selfishness and pride get in my way sometimes -- okay, a lot of times -- okay, almost all the time -- and it's a wretched thing to get rid of them. It's like pulling teeth, although, I'll admit, I haven't pulled a lot of teeth in my life. My experience with teeth has been to let them wobble and wiggle until they pretty much fall out of their own accord.
Sometimes I leave selfishness and pride in until they fall out, not of their own accord (for some reason, they're perfectly content to stay), but of God's urging. And I fall to pieces until they're gone. Then I realize I'm really the better for their absence.
So, anyway, thank you for leading me through the tough stuff. Thanks for holding my hand, and then checking up on me when I got to the other side.

11/8/05

pieces

Let her bring God back to you, Little Town. Let her step into your world without conforming to it. Let her be herself, fulfill her dreams in you.

The town drunk says, "This used to be a liquor store," and she says, "Did it now?" She knows it used to be a liquor store because she had her eye on it back then; she had already claimed it as a girl, but she didn't know what for. It's too beautiful to be a liquor store.

A lady playing a guitar in the corner brings people in, but it's God who brings the love. It's the love that keeps people coming in for another shot, another smooth escape.

People keep coming in like they want to see the speakers, hear the music, but they don't always pay attention -- most of the time they do, though. Monday or Tuesday is story day -- written, remembered, fiction, not fiction, whatever. She loves those days most because they're so true.

"It's 'cause of you, you know. This place brings people into town," they tell her. No, it's not. It's 'cause of God; all because of God: builder of dreams.

Students studying fill the tables and chairs with their sprawl of learning. She walks into the library and says, "You oughtta renovate the upstairs." But they ask, "How could we afford it? We can barely afford buying new books for our shelves." And she says, "You oughtta put a can on the corner of your counter that says: 'Donations for the Expansion of the Library.' Books are important. Here's your first check." Ha! That'd make 'em do it.

The hours are long, but people keep coming.

She doesn't dress like the rest; she dresses like herself.

She says, "I've got a surprise tomorrow at four. You should come by." She smiles a wry smile. "Why's that?" "It'll be worth it." Four o'clock comes along and she lifts the cloth from her book -- her published book. "In between getting drinks, I somehow found time to write a book. It's 'cause of y'all this place stays open. Drinks on the house and a copy of this for everybody." She winks. "You don't have to read it."

She loves books, and she wants others to love them. Books cover an entire wall, or they did until half of them got checked out around town. She only keeps track because someone else might need to read one of them, and she might need to track her copy down in a hurry.

She loves people, and she wants others to love them. Sometimes it's hard to know where to draw the line, so sometimes she just doesn't.

Clergymen come in and say she's not representing who she ought to represent, or she's taking away their crowd. Gas station says she's taking away their customers too. She gives them a drink on the house, and says she bets their business has actually improved.

She's got jars on the counter, stuffed with money to feed the hungry, rescue the orphans, clothe the poor, birth new Christians. She didn't tell people to fill the jars; they just did. She puts in her salary and wishes she didn't have to pay the bills. People forget the days when jars and shop were empty, but she doesn't. She remembers well.

Sunday is her day off, and she watches the sunset and takes a breath before Monday. She wishes she could do more. She wishes others would come by, others who won't let themselves be touched.

The walls, the pictures, used to be the definition of perfect decorum. Now, the place is kitschy, but it's the reflection of love, so it's all okay.

It's an anomaly; she acts like it's normal. People come from out of town, but just to gawk. The people touched are right next door, and they're addicted to receiving love and giving love. They can't stop.

Let Him be Himself, fulfill His dreams in you.

11/5/05

if you only read the words...

"If you only read the words, you'd understand my heart.... If you only read the words, you'd see that the story isn't so hard to comprehend. You'd wipe my tears, laugh with my rejoicing, and sit and chat when I just need to vent. If you only read the words..." -c.l.beyer, written on 05.august.2005

* * *

God, I'm so dry. Sometimes I don't even care, You know? I don't feel like talking to You, but I know I should... so I do. Here I am. Hit me or something because I'm too weak to reach out.
"The Lord hath called me from the womb; from the bowels fo my mother hath he made mention of my name" (Isaiah 49.1).
"Thou art my servant, O Israel, in whom I will be glorified (Isaiah 49.3).
"In an acceptable time have I heard thee, and in a day of salvation have I helped thee" (Isaiah 49.8).

Yeah, yeah, God. Those are wonderful words, powerful promises. I know in my head that they're true; they're just not hitting me in the heart, You know?

"And I will make all my mountains a way, and my highways shall be exalted" (Isaiah 49.11).

Nice words for someone else. Let me look at the words without reading them. They aren't helping anyway. Maybe You'll do something supernatural. Maybe You can break through this numb barrier. Yes, yes... that's better... words speeding by without meaning...

If you only read the words, you would understand My heart.

Hey, I wrote that.
Did you?
Sorry, God, my mind's wandering. Where did that come from? I was sitting here reading -- kind of -- and...
You didn't mean that for me, did You?
If you only read the words, you would understand My heart.
Okay. I'll read. I don't want to be superstitious or anything, but yeah... I guess it would help if I read the words.
"Sing, O heavens; and be joyful, O earth; and break forth into singing, O mountains: for the LORD hath comforted his people, and will have mercy upon his afflicted" (Isaiah 49.13).
Like I said, nice promises for someone else.
"But Zion said, The LORD hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me" (Isaiah 49.14).
Exactly. I know how they feel.
"Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb?" (Isaiah 49.15a)
Um... no.
"Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee" (Isaiah 49.15b).
[Silence]
"Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands" (Isaiah 49.16a).
Kind of drastic, don't You think? But... You feel that way about me?
If you only read the words, you would understand My heart.
Well then. I guess so.
[Silence]
Here I am...

11/3/05

emphasis!

I love emphasis. From italics to exclamation points to capitalization, one can make writing into an amusement park of wild rides.

This will not be an exhaustive look at the many forms of emphasis in the English language; I'll just discuss some of my favorite methods, as well as -- you can be sure -- some warnings against absolutely WRONG ways to emphasize.

1. Italicization
This is the best way to emphasize a word or phrase. Using italics makes me feel like an author because it was in a novel, I think, that I first discovered the joy of reading italicized words. Italicization makes reading aloud a breeze. It's subtle yet effective, classy but not condescending. (Underlining is the non-technological way of italicizing. It's the emphatic tool of typewriters and hand-written letters; it's useful but increasingly uncommon.)

2. Capitalization
When typing, this is a particularly easy way to emphasize a word or phrase, but it also comes across to the reader as being rather obnoxious. In the Bible, words like LORD and I AM and HOLINESS TO THE LORD are capitalized, which tells me they are very, very important. In casual, everyday writings, however, few words are as important as those listed above. Actually, none are. So, use capitalization very sparingly. (For an example of a correct though intentionally obnoxious use of capitalization, see paragraph #2 of this essay.)

3. Exclamation points
Some famous author once said that a person should be given a ration of one exclamation point to use in writing across the span of his or her entire life. He makes a good point, although I won't be quite so stingy. Exclamation points are fun to stick in odd places (like the title of this essay), but they're most commonly used at the end of sentences containing material which, to the author, is particularly exciting. My caution is this: if you read a draft of your e-mail or other exciting composition, and more than half of the sentences end in an exclamation point, you should either revise it or seriously consider consulting a doctor for hyperactivity.

4. Use of cool words
Probably what I really mean instead of "cool" is "appropriate." But appropriate is often cool, although cool is often not appropriate. You know what I mean. A word in time saves nine, or at least saves you from using other emphatic tools. Case in point: um... I don't have a case in point. Cool, appropriate words take some thought; they aren't the product of a brain on cruise control.

I have only one other warning that hasn't been addressed above. Quotation marks are never, never!, NEVER to be used to emphasize a word. Quotation marks are reserved for the titles of short works such as short poems, songs, short stories, and chapters; they also should surround the words people say and words taken out of something written to which one wants to refer. (That's why they're called quotation marks.) They are not to be used to draw attention to a word or to stress a word. As an example of how not to use quotation marks, consider this advertisement:

* * *
Puppies for Sale!
"Cute!" "Cuddly!"
Call 123.456.7890
"Please take one home today!"
* * *
The person who posted this sign clearly didn't understand how to use quotation marks. The only way this could be considered correct is if someone said "Please take one home today!" and that the dogs were "cute!" and "cuddly!" Even in that case, one should always cite her sources. And on top of all that, this sign reeks of exclamation point diarrhea.
So, you see, the key in using emphasis is simply to avoid quotation marks, and by all means, DON'T BE EXCESSIVE!!!

11/2/05

missionary prayer

Jesus, where and who are Your true missionaries? I read [in From Jerusalem to Irian Jaya] about men like Paul and Peter who carried Your name without political baggage. If they were a citizen of [any] country, they were a citizen of the true, Holy Spirit-filled Church of God. And then there were believers like Polycarp and Perpetua, who would rather have... endured slaughter [and did!] than defame Your name!
And then I read about Boniface and Columba, to whom spreading the Gospel [seemed] to be more about expanding a political power agenda than exalting the Name above all Names! I don't know, and I can't judge, but things certainly looked different in their day than it seems You intended.
Where are the true missionaries? And may I be one of them?
I fear that [in America,]... to be a Christian means nothing; it's rather like saying one is a good citizen. And I want to be more than a good citizen. I want to be Your ambassador. In fact, if being Your child and ambassador means I have to be a bad citizen, let me be a bad citizen!
Give me the courage to love people. Give me the courage to exalt Your Name above all other names. Give the courage to die if that's the plan You have for me -- only so that the Name of Jesus Christ may be exalted and proclaimed.
Dear Lord -- my Father -- and dear Jesus, my Redeemer, I know in my heart that Jesus is the reason I can be forgiven of my deep sin and Jesus is the reason I can live eternally. But help these things make more sense to me so I can tell others about this miraculous plan for the salvation of mankind!...
All glory and honor to You. Amen.

written 28.october.2005

leota

I never saw her
eyes wander-
or judge.
They were steady
with trust.
And I trusted her.

Faith.
Love.
Joy.
They became her.
They were her clothing,
and I was her friend.

I need to trust her now
that the dice have been rolled
and it feels like gambling-
but it's not.

She just loves
so many people,
different than me,
distant from me.

And when
the distance
widens
the love
widens
too?

10/27/05

you'd think

You'd think the more I write, the less I'd have to say.
Nope.

writing and genres

Whenever random people ask me what I write, I usually tell them I'm working on a novel or two. Don't tell, but I haven't worked on any novel for several weeks. Novels are easier to understand, though, than say, Christian-books-for-women-about-how-to-be-a-good-wife. I mention blogging, too, but only about half the people know about blogs.

You see, there aren't any clear-cut answers for the "what do you write?" question. Even when I say, "I'm working on a novel," they want to know what kind of novel. Don't get me wrong: I'm glad they're interested in my life. But I don't know what kind of novels I write. They're just novels. Novel novels. Usually, though, I give people the genre answer, which is only cool because it has the word genre in it, and I used to not know about that word. Genre is cool because it is spelled nothing like it sounds, and even if it were spelled like it sounds, it sounds cool anyway. But I digress (that's only about the third time in my life I've used the word digress).

So back to my novels. I say, "Ummmm... I've written part of a novel that's kind of fantasy/sci-fi, but that's not what I usually write. I usually write... I don't know... it's hard to place it into any specific genre." And that would be one of my smoother answers.

So what do I write? Mostly, I write novels. Novel novels. Novels are stories. Stories about people and the things that happen to them in life. People make decisions -- good ones and bad ones -- and then there are consequences, reactions. Yeah. That's what I write.

the good side of gullibility

I'm searching for the good side of gullibility, but I'm not sure if there is one. Solomon tells me, "in the multitude of counsellors there is safety" (Proverbs. 11.14), but there can also be a lot of confusion. You've gotta pick good counselors, wise ones.

I used to think I had all the answers, or at least most of them. Grounded and solid, I was. My husband told me about this guy that was grounded in something different, and I thought he was nuts (the guy, not my husband). But if he's nuts, a lot of people are nuts. And if I was nuts, a lot of people are nuts. So, I thought, let's just face it: we're all nuts (but less nuts than all the people who are really nuts).

Trees rooted and uprooted a lot probably aren't very healthy. I'm not much of a horticulturalist, but it seems likely, don't you think? I don't want to be an unhealthy tree; I'd rather just soak in a bucket of water observing the soil till I know where I need to be planted. I can't sit there forever because I'll probably rot or something. But it's better than all that transplanting: at least I won't dry out.

I'm gonna try tell that guy (that nuts guy) he's probably not so nuts as I thought. He's got a lot of good roots and resources. And like I'm gonna tell him, too: "God has given us an awful lot of information about his plan and his character, and if absorbing and understanding that information gives him more honor and glory, I want to do that." Sounds pretty solid for being so nuts, don't you think?

In conclusion (because I don't know how else to end this thing), I want branches that reach up and out to Christ. I want boughs heavy with fruit. I want to soak up the sun and the rain and the wind until I'm firmly grounded: "just like a tree planted by the water, I shall not be moved" (V.O. Fossett, based on Psalm 1.3).