of books and babies

Yesterday I opened the cover of Middlemarch, the first book I had tried to read for pleasure in probably a month. I made it through the introduction, but my brain was already hurting. In that moment, I told myself that I would never be this era's great American novelist. If I can't read George Eliot on my worst of days, I can't write timeless fiction on my best of days.

Today I settled for The Adventures of Tom Sawyer instead. Eliot will have to wait for another day -- maybe a day without diapers and nursing and chasing after a baby who's much too young to be pulling himself up stairsteps.

I read the first three chapters out loud to my little boy, rolling out the Missouri twang like no one was listening. I imagined days when I'd lie in bed with all our little children, reading it again when they're old enough to actually understand. And I decided it was okay if I"m never a famous writer.

I might survive motherhood to pump out some readable nonfiction. I might even try to finish those novels I started in the days when pumping didn't bring breasts to mind. And I'll fall back into reading books like a natural, I'm sure, wondering what I ever found so difficult about Middlemarch. But in reading and writing and feeling intellectual again, I'll be thankful for having done more important things with my life -- things relating to diapers and nursing and chasing after a baby (who's much too young to be pulling himself up stairsteps).

june challenge: evangelism

As I complete each month's challenge, I realize how I can never stop developing each of the spiritual disciplines I've tried to tackle. Committing myself to prayer has revealed to me how much more I need to communicate daily with God in a genuine and humble way. Focusing on loving my neighbor as myself has not closed the door on ways to give of myself but rather opened a flood of new ones.

And now this -- evangelism. I'll complete my monthly goal and move back to life as usual, right? I doubt it. I hope not. If I thought about what giving myself to evangelism might mean for my future, I might back away at the whelming pressure. But the most daunting of disciplines begins with a single step. That single step is all I will try to commit to this month: reaching one person.

Our small group from church is walking through a study series called Just Walk Across the Room, based on the book by Bill Hybels. Hybels argues that it's not a Christian's job to present a four-point gospel message to every unbeliever she knows (or whatever her preferred method is). Instead, a Christ-follower should simply be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's promptings... maybe to present that four point message, but maybe not, too. Maybe it's just walking across the room to introduce myself to a stranger or inviting someone to church. The point is that I'm available, not to do all the work myself (I'm not capable of converting a soul anyway; that's God's job!), but to do the job God wants me to do -- speak a word, lend a hand, extend an invitation.

I don't know what part of the evangelistic journey God will call me to take, but I'm praying to be open to His opportunities, starting this month.